A new beginning…

Posted on | August 27, 2007 | 1 Comment

Emo Duck I often hit a point where things just suck so much that I want it to go away. Completely and utterly go away. Just press ‘reset’; Edit -> Undo the last x years / months / weeks / days. Just start again new and afresh with just the knowledge and information I’ve learned and gained from the period up unto that feeling of finality.

Today; now; is one of those times. Nothing seems worthwhile, nothing seems like it’s enough to hold onto what I have. The feeling that going away and starting again would leave me with just as much as I already have now. Nothing to lose. And nothing to gain here.

Then the fear creeps in, mainly money issues. Materialistic as I am. Could I afford to up sticks and go away? There’s no buffer if I fail miserably again. Being away from everything includes any help I may be able to acquire should I mess things up again. Would it work? I’m not the most sociable guy, but then again – I am a very solitary guy. Maybe it would.

Would it even help? Running away always gets painted as the cheap and easy way out. Ignore the problems, and the cause and you’ll start again. Different place, same old shit. Do I really want to be a existential locust; moving from place to place destroying what life I can until needs force me to move on?

It just feels like I passed the crossroads and now there’s a dead-end. And if I go back to the crossroads and go another way, I’m betting I’ll find another dead-end. The futility of even trying pisses me off. I am the anti Cheers; I want to go where nobody knows my name. I want to not care about what I’m losing enough to cut the strings and lose them.

I think I want to go. Just go. Somewhere where there isn’t a ‘me’. And then I can create one.

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